Change

   Smart phones and internet access have undoubtedly taken the very life out of us as human beings. It's difficult to walk somewhere, or even drive somewhere without seeing the vast majority of people entirely consumed by their cell phone. We think having the latest device or the coolest apps will make our lives more fulfilled when in reality, the exact opposite is happening. In fact, we are losing the ability to enjoy life because we are viewing it through the screen of a cell phone. I believe that our technology is not only making us less intelligent in terms of intellect, but in terms of simple social matters. The first step to solving a problem is admitting there is a problem, and I believe there is.
    When is the last time you came out and told someone how you felt about them... In words? It seems like ancient history. Why could you ever speak to someone whilst looking at their face when you could type out what you feel whilst looking at their contact in your phone? Why tell someone you have a problem with them when you could post something on the internet about them that you can battle out without ever having to see each other? Why give someone a compliment in person when you can just comment on their picture when you get around to it? Why truly show and act on your belief system when you could just tweet about it? The answer is that it is easier. You don't have to deal with someone rejecting you face to face, or fighting with someone in person. You don't have to step out of your comfort zone to tell someone you hardly know they look nice when you can casually like their photo. You don't have to deal with the everyday struggles of living up to the values you set yourself to when you can just post on social media how great of a person you are. I think it all boils down to fear. We are afraid of rejection, or confrontation, or looking stupid or being judged for being different so we cushion the landing of "putting ourselves out there" only over the internet or the cell phone. But the issue is we aren't putting OURSELVES out there, we're putting a fake, perfected version of ourselves out there. We have created a split between who we are on the other side of a phone screen, and who we are face to face. We're becoming two distinctly separate people. The ability to sit behind a computer screen or a cell phone screen has turned into the ability to create an entirely new persona. The problem with that is that our made up personality is taking away from the ability to have an actual personality. We don't know how to have a deep conversation with someone in person. We can't comfort our friends without spending 5 minutes deciding what to type out. We can't argue with a friend or significant other without having time to figure out what to say. We can't meet new people without first messaging them on some sort of site and getting to know their internet persona first. We are quickly losing the ability to engage in a simple conversation because we don't have the computer or phone to hide behind, or the element of time to intricately plan out every word to say. I think the other main issue is that we physically cannot be without our devices, which is a problem all in itself.
    We are no longer living. We're alive, we have beating hearts and we have the ability to move and think but we don't. We don't want to master the English language because we have autocorrect. We don't feel the need to hang out with friends all the time because we can text them. We don't feel the need to get out and live because we have the world at our fingertips. On Facebook, the bar asks how you're feeling. "Bored" is one of the most common status updates. "Bored" is one of the most common twitter updates. "Bored" is one of the most common instagram captions. Why are we so bored with "the world at our fingertips"? We buy the latest phones and apps to be entertained but we are still so bored that we have to post it for the entire world to see. That is significant evidence that the latest technology doesn't make life better. Sure, it might make it easier in some ways, but in no way does it make it more fulfilling. Why are we so bored? Because we have to sit at home alone to keep updated with social and world media. Why do we have to keep updated with social and world media? Because it keeps us interested. So why are we so bored? Because we have to sit at home alone to keep updated..... You get it. We can't have a real life conversation without checking our phone. We can't listen in class or to a presentation to check our phones. Some of us can't even drive 5 minutes without checking our phones. We define ourselves by the number of followers we have, and we define how well we are doing in life by our online persona's popularity. We're doing it horribly wrong. We're bored because we're too comfortable stalking celebrities on Twitter or taking photos for Instagram likes to get up and go out and live. No matter how boring your life or your town or your surroundings seem, I promise it's more exciting than refreshing your twitter feed 47 times in 5 minutes. We're lacking life experience because we're not willing to go out and create it. In 40 years, people are going to want to hear stories about the crazy nights you had when you were a teenager, not the evening plans of everyone you followed on Twitter. I don't have a solution, but I do know we need to make a change. We need to put our phones down and start living a life as the person we are, not the person we created online.

I'm the Gift Exchange Present Wrapped in Newspaper

   A guy walks down the street. He sees a girl with beautiful hair, gorgeous eyes and a smile that lights up a room. Her body is perfect and she walks with a certain confidence that girls yearn to have. As she walks by, the guys glance stays glued to her until she disappears into a crowd of people who are subpar to her. There is a 100% chance that that girl is not me. 

   No matter how many relatives tell me I'm beautiful, how many friends tell me I'm pretty and how many of my mom's friends comment on her Facebook pictures of me "gorgeous :-)", I have not, do not and will not ever stop traffic with my looks. And that's not to say I'm lacking in self confidence. I'm surely NOT, in fact, I have a lot more self confidence than I probably should have. But as a gift wrapped in newspaper is looked over to the gifts in beautiful wrapping paper, men simply look over me and at the beautiful bitch who was born flawless. 

    At gift exchanges, there is always that lazy ass participant who wanted nothing to do with the exchange, so he/she grabbed last Sunday's paper and tossed their gift in it and taped it in 3 or 4 spots. It lays in the middle of the floor as things are opened, the last gift to be chosen as always. In my own personal experience, one time the gift that was unveiled when the last person was obligated to choose the gift was a pooper scooper. One time it was high quality, soft heated blanket. I like to think of myself as the quality heated blanket. 

   Sometimes, when there's a less than perfect person and someone delves into their personality, you find out that his or her personality is just about as dull as their exterior. Sometimes they just have nothing going for them. Sometimes you discover that this person is literally a personified rock. They are the pooper scooper. But sometimes, someone will look past the huge box that is wrapped in solid gold, or the gift bag filled with endless opportunities, and open the gift wrapped in 1998's obituaries and unveil a really funny, cool individual who may not look like a sculpted statue of perfection on the outside but has a personality that's worth it anyway. That's how I see myself. I'm the high quality heated blanket wrapped in newspaper. 

   The gift wrapped in solid gold wrapping paper will inevitably be opened first. It catches the eye. It holds a stare. But sometimes you open it to find that your uncle forgot a gift so he wrapped up an old, broken picture frame that says "our precious baby boy" and a dirty old lampshade. Sometimes, the perfect thing on the outside doesn't match the contents within. 

   The beautiful wrapping paper and the newspaper all have something in common: they get ripped to find what lies within. (Unless you're one of those people who saves rapping paper by delicately opening the gift and not tipping  anything and in that case you're irrelevant and we all hate you). In the long run, it's not going to matter if who has the prettier eyes or the hotter body, what's going to matter is if you end up with a pooper scooper and a lampshade or a soft, warm blanket that everyone ends up wishing they had. 

  So maybe you're a solid gold wrapped pooper scooper. Maybe you're a newspaper wrapped stack of cash. I like to think that my hilarious personality is not accurately reciprocated in my external features, but I know one day someone will decide to look past all of the beautiful exteriors and open a gift wrapped in newspaper. Or one day the unlucky soul who drew number 37 ends up obligated picking me. Who knows. But don't judge a book by its cover, because sometimes there's a really dull cover and you're unable to but the book down, and sometimes the book had sweet cover art but is about differentiating between different types of soil. 

4 Types of Parents We All Know & Hate

There's something to be said about parents. We, as children, can be high maintenance, needy and ultimately a pain in the ass. So shout out to parents for all that you do. But parents aren't always the stereotypical soccer moms and working dads who put dinner on the table at 5 o'clock, make us do school work before we watch TV and know how to handle themselves in public. So, without further hesitation, here are the 4 parents that we all know and hate.

1.) The Viciously Aggressive Parent at Recreational Sporting Events 

  I understand that in high school, college, and even middle school there will be an athletic event of your child's that will leave you screaming at an official or another player because of the game. I understand that you want your child to win the game, and do their best. But Lord have mercy, I think one time or another all of us have been exposed to the mother or father of a seven year old child innocently dashing down the field or court while their mother or father screams at an official as if the minor foul he didn't call was the difference between life and death. The worst kind of psychotic athletic parent is the kind who tells at their child. "Make a damn shot!" "Catch the damn ball!" "You suck!" Are not things that should be screamed at your child under most circumstances, but certainly not to your toddler or elementary schooler who is playing on a recreational sports team for fun. I think there should be a law instated that says if a parent is screaming at their athlete who is under the age of 12 it is perfectly legal to stand up and drop kick them in the throat. 

2.) The Parent Who Lives Vicariously Through Their Child 

   This type of parent goes along with the first because generally this is the reason that they have no self control at athletic events, but this topic is more vague. It is good to want your child to succeed, but not if you want him or her to succeed because you were unable to. Lets say mom was an absolute champ at synchronized swimming. And before her final competition she broke her neck, or something, and her dreams crumpled in her fingertips. Then she gives birth to a daughter and wants to raise her to become the ultimate synchronized swimmer, BECAUSE SHE WASN'T ABLE TO. Maybe you weren't on the honor roll in high school so you force your child to be the best. What you need to realize is that just because your child came out of you, your child is not you. And you need to let go of your past failures and let your child do what they want. (Unless its dealing crack and injecting heroin because then you should probably step in.)

3.) The Parent Who Is Mentally In High School

   We all want to feel like we belong. We all want to be able to relate to society. But when you're a 47 year old woman trying to wear clothing from Abercrombie & Fitch, or participating in photo challenges on Instagram, you probably need to cool it and realize that this isn't your generation. That's all.

4.) The Parent of The Harlot

    ARE YOU EVEN THERE? DO YOU EVEN EXIST? Were you there in the morning when your daughter put on the skirt that you can see her vagina in? Are you unaware that your daughter is an actual walking STD? I understand befriending your child and not wanting to upset him or her, but when your daughter is open for business 24/7 and your sons missile is prepared to launch into any woman with a pulse, maybe you should put your foot down! 

So there's the 4 parenting types we all know. Favorite this on twitter if you liked it. Or don't. I don't care. And also if you could let me know what you'd like me to write about next it would be appreciated greatly. Thanks fans (the 4 of you who read this)