Situation: You're belting out a song with a group of people and suddenly the music stops on a super high note. You're the only person who keeps singing.
Solution: You have to pretend you knew it was stopping but you could not scrounge up an F to give. It's embarrassing, yes, and the music never stops on a quiet, easy-to-nail note. No. It's the "I" in I Will Always Love You. It's the "we could have had it all" in Rolling in the Deep. But you, my friend, cannot let this take away from the volume you plan to belt it out with. You cannot fear. You must use all the force within you and continue singing as if you knew it was going to happen and you just don't care. There's no shame in your game, girl. No shame.
Situation: You're taking a picture with someone and you go to put your arm around them and they don't return the favor.
Solution: Honestly, what are you in, 6th grade? Unless you have a pre-planned pose for this picture or a mutual decision as to where your arms are going to go, THEY SHOULD GO AROUND EACH OTHER. This shouldn't be a problem, alas, it is. What do you do? Pretend they have a piece of hair or something of that nature on their shirt. Do not, under any circumstances, pull back. You grab that nonexistent piece of fuzz off of their shirt with CONFIDENCE, and then prepare for the picture in another manner. That's all you can do. Pulling back is awkward for you, but nothing, NOTHING will be more awkward than the picture with their arms at their sides while you reach around their neck.
Situation: Someone is waving in your general direction and you wave back. They weren't waving at you.
Solution: Two can play this game. Pretend you're waving at someone behind THEM. Look past them, make sure they are able to tell that you aren't waving at them. Ha. That would be stupid. Just wave like there's no tomorrow. Someone will inevitably think you are waving at them, and just latch on. Hold that wave like Rose held onto the floating door. If there's no one behind them? You're swatting a fly. You aren't waving. You're swatting a fly.
Situation: Pronouncing something incorrectly.
Solution: You have to devote yourself to this one, but you have to make them wholeheartedly believe that they are wrong. This is coming from a person who, until 2 months ago, thought it was "all intensive purposes". You OWN that mispronounced phrase. Tell them your cousin is an English major and her professor told her the correct way to say it. Make THEM feel like an idiot. Screw saying "oh haha oops" when you mess something up. Make the person who called you out feel like their presence in this WORLD is messing something up.
Situation: You are at the very beginning of the story and you realize it's not going to be very funny.
Solution: You forgot what you were going to say. You remembered that your friend doesn't want anyone to know about it. It's featuring someone within earshot. Just get out of it using whatever route is necessary.
Situation: Telling a story that you realize isn't funny at all once you reach the end.
Solution: Fabricate it. Channel your inner Steven Glass and just make the rest of it up. You are balls deep into this story. You are past the point of no return. You have to go big or go home. You can't be known as the person who spends 5 minutes telling a story that people can't even fake smiling at. Make someone die or get arrested. Have a naked man run through chanting battle songs. I don't know. Whatever you see fit. But until you get the response you were aiming for, do not stop.
Situation: Someone is holding a door for you but you're too far away to get there quickly at a walking pace but you don't want to jog/You are holding a door and realize the person is too far away to get there quickly at a walking pace/they don't want to jog
Solution: The solution should be to establish a zone where holding the door is acceptable. In front of every door is a certain color on the ground and if someone is within that area, the door can be held. If not, close the door and MOVE ON. That said, until that happens, we're gonna have to continue playing it off. If you're the one entering the door, the awkward moment is on THEM. You look down. Check your phone. Look around for something. Do not let them know that you know they're holding the door. That way you don't feel the need to up your speed to a light jog and they don't feel like they've just ruined your week. If you're the person holding the door, look preoccupied. Don't stare them down. Become the designated door holder. Make them believe that you aren't holding the door for them, YOU ARE HOLDING THE DOOR FOR EVERYONE. (This requires what could be a day's worth of dedication, because you must 1- continue holding until they can't see you anymore and 2- stay out of their way for however long is necessary because as the door holder, you wouldn't be walking around later. Dodge that person with everything you have)
Situation: A server says "have a nice meal." A ticket ripper says "enjoy your movie". You say "you too!"
Solution: There is two options you could go for here, the former probably being the one you should go for but hey. The first option is to laugh it off. It probably happens all the time. It'll be an obligatory laugh from both parties but it will be over. The second is to praise The Lord for homonyms. Quickly, you must turn your "too" into "two" and find two people close to you. Then say "you two... look so nice!" Then casually smile at the employee and say thank you. (Although, the first is really the one to go for. If you were cool enough to pull the second one off, you probably wouldn't have told your waiter to enjoy his food)
Situation: You hug someone goodbye and then you both end up walking the same way.
Solution: As SOON as you realize you've stepped in the same direction, turn around and go the other way, hopefully before the other person notices. The world is round. You will get to your car eventually.
Situation: You're internet stalking your new love interest. You just liked his picture from middle school that he forgot he even posted.
Solution: Another twofold. You can literally go big or go home. You can play it off as if you never did it and hopefully he'll bring it up as a joke on your 12th date. Or you can like the rest of his pictures. All of them. Then promptly give
yourself a pep talk telling yourself to get over him because now the relationship is a lost cause.
Situation: Going for a high five that doesn't get recepted.
Solution: There's very, very few things more awkward than this one. Kristen Stewart hardly even rivals it. You're holding your hand out but no one has noticed. You can't be like "hey hey" and get their attention because that makes a repugnant situation 10x worse. Start squinting your eyes and staring at your hand as if something is on it. You aren't anticipating a high five, you're administering a 5-star self hand evaluation. Then if someone finally notices you, they'll high five back. But you're just looking at your hand. Awkward for them! You've just turned the tables.
Situation: Asking what looks like an employee for something and surprise! They're not an employee.
Solution: Lie. Make it convincing. "Oh, I know! You just look like you shop here a lot, and I figured you would know!" Or "the customer service is so bad here so I figured the shoppers gotta stick together!" Whatever. If you ask them to get something from the back? Walk away silently and never enter the store again.
Situation: Stepping to the left to get out of someone's way, but they step the same way to get out of your way.
Solution: Break into a impromptu hip hop dance. Honestly, no one will feel more uncomfortable than them, and the aim is to make YOU feel less awkward. Put the discomfort on someone else. That's the name of the game, friends.
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