I'm the Gift Exchange Present Wrapped in Newspaper

   A guy walks down the street. He sees a girl with beautiful hair, gorgeous eyes and a smile that lights up a room. Her body is perfect and she walks with a certain confidence that girls yearn to have. As she walks by, the guys glance stays glued to her until she disappears into a crowd of people who are subpar to her. There is a 100% chance that that girl is not me. 

   No matter how many relatives tell me I'm beautiful, how many friends tell me I'm pretty and how many of my mom's friends comment on her Facebook pictures of me "gorgeous :-)", I have not, do not and will not ever stop traffic with my looks. And that's not to say I'm lacking in self confidence. I'm surely NOT, in fact, I have a lot more self confidence than I probably should have. But as a gift wrapped in newspaper is looked over to the gifts in beautiful wrapping paper, men simply look over me and at the beautiful bitch who was born flawless. 

    At gift exchanges, there is always that lazy ass participant who wanted nothing to do with the exchange, so he/she grabbed last Sunday's paper and tossed their gift in it and taped it in 3 or 4 spots. It lays in the middle of the floor as things are opened, the last gift to be chosen as always. In my own personal experience, one time the gift that was unveiled when the last person was obligated to choose the gift was a pooper scooper. One time it was high quality, soft heated blanket. I like to think of myself as the quality heated blanket. 

   Sometimes, when there's a less than perfect person and someone delves into their personality, you find out that his or her personality is just about as dull as their exterior. Sometimes they just have nothing going for them. Sometimes you discover that this person is literally a personified rock. They are the pooper scooper. But sometimes, someone will look past the huge box that is wrapped in solid gold, or the gift bag filled with endless opportunities, and open the gift wrapped in 1998's obituaries and unveil a really funny, cool individual who may not look like a sculpted statue of perfection on the outside but has a personality that's worth it anyway. That's how I see myself. I'm the high quality heated blanket wrapped in newspaper. 

   The gift wrapped in solid gold wrapping paper will inevitably be opened first. It catches the eye. It holds a stare. But sometimes you open it to find that your uncle forgot a gift so he wrapped up an old, broken picture frame that says "our precious baby boy" and a dirty old lampshade. Sometimes, the perfect thing on the outside doesn't match the contents within. 

   The beautiful wrapping paper and the newspaper all have something in common: they get ripped to find what lies within. (Unless you're one of those people who saves rapping paper by delicately opening the gift and not tipping  anything and in that case you're irrelevant and we all hate you). In the long run, it's not going to matter if who has the prettier eyes or the hotter body, what's going to matter is if you end up with a pooper scooper and a lampshade or a soft, warm blanket that everyone ends up wishing they had. 

  So maybe you're a solid gold wrapped pooper scooper. Maybe you're a newspaper wrapped stack of cash. I like to think that my hilarious personality is not accurately reciprocated in my external features, but I know one day someone will decide to look past all of the beautiful exteriors and open a gift wrapped in newspaper. Or one day the unlucky soul who drew number 37 ends up obligated picking me. Who knows. But don't judge a book by its cover, because sometimes there's a really dull cover and you're unable to but the book down, and sometimes the book had sweet cover art but is about differentiating between different types of soil. 

4 Types of Parents We All Know & Hate

There's something to be said about parents. We, as children, can be high maintenance, needy and ultimately a pain in the ass. So shout out to parents for all that you do. But parents aren't always the stereotypical soccer moms and working dads who put dinner on the table at 5 o'clock, make us do school work before we watch TV and know how to handle themselves in public. So, without further hesitation, here are the 4 parents that we all know and hate.

1.) The Viciously Aggressive Parent at Recreational Sporting Events 

  I understand that in high school, college, and even middle school there will be an athletic event of your child's that will leave you screaming at an official or another player because of the game. I understand that you want your child to win the game, and do their best. But Lord have mercy, I think one time or another all of us have been exposed to the mother or father of a seven year old child innocently dashing down the field or court while their mother or father screams at an official as if the minor foul he didn't call was the difference between life and death. The worst kind of psychotic athletic parent is the kind who tells at their child. "Make a damn shot!" "Catch the damn ball!" "You suck!" Are not things that should be screamed at your child under most circumstances, but certainly not to your toddler or elementary schooler who is playing on a recreational sports team for fun. I think there should be a law instated that says if a parent is screaming at their athlete who is under the age of 12 it is perfectly legal to stand up and drop kick them in the throat. 

2.) The Parent Who Lives Vicariously Through Their Child 

   This type of parent goes along with the first because generally this is the reason that they have no self control at athletic events, but this topic is more vague. It is good to want your child to succeed, but not if you want him or her to succeed because you were unable to. Lets say mom was an absolute champ at synchronized swimming. And before her final competition she broke her neck, or something, and her dreams crumpled in her fingertips. Then she gives birth to a daughter and wants to raise her to become the ultimate synchronized swimmer, BECAUSE SHE WASN'T ABLE TO. Maybe you weren't on the honor roll in high school so you force your child to be the best. What you need to realize is that just because your child came out of you, your child is not you. And you need to let go of your past failures and let your child do what they want. (Unless its dealing crack and injecting heroin because then you should probably step in.)

3.) The Parent Who Is Mentally In High School

   We all want to feel like we belong. We all want to be able to relate to society. But when you're a 47 year old woman trying to wear clothing from Abercrombie & Fitch, or participating in photo challenges on Instagram, you probably need to cool it and realize that this isn't your generation. That's all.

4.) The Parent of The Harlot

    ARE YOU EVEN THERE? DO YOU EVEN EXIST? Were you there in the morning when your daughter put on the skirt that you can see her vagina in? Are you unaware that your daughter is an actual walking STD? I understand befriending your child and not wanting to upset him or her, but when your daughter is open for business 24/7 and your sons missile is prepared to launch into any woman with a pulse, maybe you should put your foot down! 

So there's the 4 parenting types we all know. Favorite this on twitter if you liked it. Or don't. I don't care. And also if you could let me know what you'd like me to write about next it would be appreciated greatly. Thanks fans (the 4 of you who read this)