Playing Off Awkward Moments

The bottom line is, most of us are going to have an awkward moment or two in our lives. If you're me, you have an awkward moment or two every time you socialize with someone. We're all just people desperately trying to find out what the other person on the end of a group photo is doing with their arm. Lucky for you, I have encountered enough awkward moments to suffice for everyone, and I am here to give you my best insight as to how to play these off in the most subtle way possible.

Situation: You're belting out a song with a group of people and suddenly the music stops on a super high note. You're the only person who keeps singing.

Solution: You have to pretend you knew it was stopping but you could not scrounge up an F to give. It's embarrassing, yes, and the music never stops on a quiet, easy-to-nail note. No. It's the "I" in I Will Always Love You. It's the "we could have had it all" in Rolling in the Deep. But you, my friend, cannot let this take away from the volume you plan to belt it out with. You cannot fear. You must use all the force within you and continue singing as if you knew it was going to happen and you just don't care. There's no shame in your game, girl. No shame. 

Situation: You're taking a picture with someone and you go to put your arm around them and they don't return the favor. 

Solution: Honestly, what are you in, 6th grade? Unless you have a pre-planned pose for this picture or a mutual decision as to where your arms are going to go, THEY SHOULD GO AROUND EACH OTHER. This shouldn't be a problem, alas, it is. What do you do? Pretend they have a piece of hair or something of that nature on their shirt. Do not, under any circumstances, pull back. You grab that nonexistent piece of fuzz off of their shirt with CONFIDENCE, and then prepare for the picture in another manner. That's all you can do. Pulling back is awkward for you, but nothing, NOTHING will be more awkward than the picture with their arms at their sides while you reach around their neck. 

Situation: Someone is waving in your general direction and you wave back. They weren't waving at you.

Solution: Two can play this game. Pretend you're waving at someone behind THEM. Look past them, make sure they are able to tell that you aren't waving at them. Ha. That would be stupid. Just wave like there's no tomorrow. Someone will inevitably think you are waving at them, and just latch on. Hold that wave like Rose held onto the floating door. If there's no one behind them? You're swatting a fly. You aren't waving. You're swatting a fly.

Situation: Pronouncing something incorrectly. 

Solution: You have to devote yourself to this one, but you have to make them wholeheartedly believe that they are wrong. This is coming from a person who, until 2 months ago, thought it was "all intensive purposes". You OWN that mispronounced phrase. Tell them your cousin is an English major and her professor told her the correct way to say it. Make THEM feel like an idiot. Screw saying "oh haha oops" when you mess something up. Make the person who called you out feel like their presence in this WORLD is messing something up. 

Situation: You are at the very beginning of the story and you realize it's not going to be very funny.

Solution: You forgot what you were going to say. You remembered that your friend doesn't want anyone to know about it. It's featuring someone within earshot. Just get out of it using whatever route is necessary. 

Situation: Telling a story that you realize isn't funny at all once you reach the end.

Solution: Fabricate it. Channel your inner Steven Glass and just make the rest of it up. You are balls deep into this story. You are past the point of no return. You have to go big or go home. You can't be known as the person who spends 5 minutes telling a story that people can't even fake smiling at. Make someone die or get arrested. Have a naked man run through chanting battle songs. I don't know. Whatever you see fit. But until you get the response you were aiming for, do not stop. 

Situation: Someone is holding a door for you but you're too far away to get there quickly at a walking pace but you don't want to jog/You are holding a door and realize the person is too far away to get there quickly at a walking pace/they don't want to jog

Solution: The solution should be to establish a zone where holding the door is acceptable. In front of every door is a certain color on the ground and if someone is within that area, the door can be held. If not, close the door and MOVE ON. That said, until that happens, we're gonna have to continue playing it off. If you're the one entering the door, the awkward moment is on THEM. You look down. Check your phone. Look around for something. Do not let them know that you know they're holding the door. That way you don't feel the need to up your speed to a light jog and they don't feel like they've just ruined your week. If you're the person holding the door, look preoccupied. Don't stare them down. Become the designated door holder. Make them believe that you aren't holding the door for them, YOU ARE HOLDING THE DOOR FOR EVERYONE. (This requires what could be a day's worth of dedication, because you must 1- continue holding until they can't see you anymore and 2- stay out of their way for however long is necessary because as the door holder, you wouldn't be walking around later. Dodge that person with everything you have)

Situation: A server says "have a nice meal." A ticket ripper says "enjoy your movie". You say "you too!"

Solution: There is two options you could go for here, the former probably being the one you should go for but hey. The first option is to laugh it off. It probably happens all the time. It'll be an obligatory laugh from both parties but it will be over. The second is to praise The Lord for homonyms. Quickly, you must turn your "too" into "two" and find two people close to you. Then say "you two... look so nice!" Then casually smile at the employee and say thank you. (Although, the first is really the one to go for. If you were cool enough to pull the second one off, you probably wouldn't have told your waiter to enjoy his food)

Situation: You hug someone goodbye and then you both end up walking the same way.

Solution: As SOON as you realize you've stepped in the same direction, turn around and go the other way, hopefully before the other person notices. The world is round. You will get to your car eventually.

Situation: You're internet stalking your new love interest. You just liked his picture from middle school that he forgot he even posted.

Solution: Another twofold. You can literally go big or go home. You can play it off as if you never did it and hopefully he'll bring it up as a joke on your 12th date. Or you can like the rest of his pictures. All of them. Then promptly give

yourself a pep talk telling yourself to get over him because now the relationship is a lost cause. 

Situation: Going for a high five that doesn't get recepted.

Solution: There's very, very few things more awkward than this one. Kristen Stewart hardly even rivals it. You're holding your hand out but no one has noticed. You can't be like "hey hey" and get their attention because that makes a repugnant situation 10x worse. Start squinting your eyes and staring at your hand as if something is on it. You aren't anticipating a high five, you're administering a 5-star self hand evaluation. Then if someone finally notices you, they'll high five back. But you're just looking at your hand. Awkward for them! You've just turned the tables.

Situation: Asking what looks like an employee for something and surprise! They're not an employee.

Solution: Lie. Make it convincing. "Oh, I know! You just look like you shop here a lot, and I figured you would know!" Or "the customer service is so bad here so I figured the shoppers gotta stick together!" Whatever. If you ask them to get something from the back? Walk away silently and never enter the store again. 

Situation: Stepping to the left to get out of someone's way, but they step the same way to get out of your way.

Solution: Break into a impromptu hip hop dance. Honestly, no one will feel more uncomfortable than them, and the aim is to make YOU feel less awkward. Put the discomfort on someone else. That's the name of the game, friends. 

An Open Letter to Yourself

  You always get screwed over. You're nice and you let people take advantage of that. You give out second and third chances because you believe people can change, even when they repeatedly prove to you that they don't. You expect everyone to look at life and love the same way you do, and you expect people to do things you would do for them. Your standards aren't even incredibly high but you always pick people who barely reach them. You promise yourself you won't get attached and you inevitably do, and then you get hurt. But you won't lose your trust.

   You get knocked down, a lot. You're chosen as a second option, or completely left behind. Not for any reason other than someone else is better. It's not that you are a bad person, but someone's got you beat. They're prettier, they're funnier, they're better. You try and try but for some reason, you just can't win. But you won't lose your ability to try again.

    "You're not pretty enough," you tell yourself. "You just aren't worthy of them." You start to bring yourself down in order to justify, when in reality, they're not worthy of you. But right when it happens, you can't tell yourself that. You're stuck in a pit of self pity. You don't think you're good enough. But you are. And you won't lose your sense of self worth.

    The bottom line is that you can't be everyone's cup of tea. You can't be the perfect girl you so desire to be for every boy you meet. Putting yourself out there means getting hurt, but it also means getting stronger. You have decided you're not going to be one of those girls who can't be with someone because someone else took away her trust in the male population. Anyone who isn't able to see all of the beauty within you doesn't deserve to jeopardize any future relationships with someone who will. So keep trusting. Keep trying. And keep being the person you are, because one day, it will be the person someone is looking for.

    One day, someone will remind you that you're good enough. They will remind you that you're wonderful. They will remind you that you are worthy of love. Keep going. One day, someone is going to love you for every quirk you have. They will accept you for every flaw. They will want to explore every nook and cranny of your mind and desire to fall in love with you more and more each day. But before that can happen, you have to do those things for yourself. You must know you are good enough. You must know how wonderful you are. You must know that you are worthy to love and to be loved. You have to love the quirks you have, and accept your flaws. You have to explore your mind, and love yourself for what you find there. You can't expect someone else to love you if you can't even love yourself. And there's no reason not to.

   I know someone may have told you differently, but you are incredible. I know someone may have tried to hold you back, but you will be successful. I know it seems hopeless now, but you will be happy. I know it may seem impossible, but you will love the person you will become. I know that the relationships you have endured have shown differently, but you will find someone. And I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will be okay.

You Are Better Than Me: A Walk Through My Middle School Years

Before I start, I would like to extend my deepest apologies to anyone I embarrass in the making of this post. 

Okay, the bottom line is that middle schoolers these days are -- God forbid -- normal. They dress like regular people, talk like regular people and ARE regular people. So, the purpose of this post is threefold. 

1) I want people to know that this is what middle schoolers used to be.

2) I'm notorious for accidentally offending people. So next time I say you're ugly, look at this and consider the source. I say your selfie is bad? Look no further. You get the point. You're probably better than me.

3) I want someone else to laugh at me, because laughing alone at these in my room isn't cutting it.

Without further aideau, here are the top shots I selected off of my Photobucket account to prove that you are better than me. 

A lot of questions go along with this. Who took it is the first one. Who let this photo be taken? I mean, I had to trust them if they were in my house, but they let this happen? Second, why is my shirt green? That doesn't match. Third, was my name really necessary in the bottom corner? Anyway, this may look bad but this is only just the beginning.

One thing I was notorious for in middle school was not actually getting myself in the picture. You can see me sassily holding the back end of my ponytail, but the focus is really on the other subject. Also, take a look at the one beady eye I allowed in the shot. Contrasts nicely with my ghost white face from my cell phone flash. 

So you're telling me that gay people can't get married, but I was allowed to take this and post it? 

I don't know where the inspiration came from for this shot, but you would have to assume hell. I'm not even going to ADDRESS the over saturation, but that same face makes an appearance in every single picture. The only thing I changed was the letter and camera angle. I really loved this, too.

Why show emotion? Pictures aren't for smiling! But God forbid a peace sign isn't thrown up! And for the love of God, that mirror was the size of the wall but for some reason I'm half hidden and just peeping myself into the shot. I probably just came up out of nowhere and snapped the picture. 

The peace sign strikes again! Multiple concerns with this picture. One, we are at school why is our hair like that? Why did I go to school with that rats best on top of my head? What is that facial expression? Why didn't everyone think I was a lesbian? Did everyone think I was a lesbian? Honestly, this shot epitomizes middle school for me. 

One of my personal favorites. The main focus of the picture is the trash can. I used a very, very unimportant twilight quote that had NOTHING to do with the picture, and then I cited it (duh) at the bottom with a little smiley face. My main concern: Why am I holding a bottle of nail polish?

Just a few things you should know: I wasn't talking to anyone, the phone didn't even work for that matter, and I spent a very long time trying for the best hairdo, which I eventually decided on the high side ponytail. Wouldn't want my hair getting in the way of my important phone call on a non-working phone!!

I don't play guitar. There's the broken phone again! Where am I looking? Why is my guitar laying flat? You're not fooling anyone. Cool socks, though. 

This is a favorite for a lot of reasons. One: literally 1/100th of my room is in this shot and I couldn't take the pair of pajama pants out of it. Two: you know this happened directly after I nailed my guitar shot. Three: what am I thinking? Probably something along the lines of "this is what it feels like to have no friends". All in all a really dramatic piece. 

Love lockdown? Why is lockdown typed and LOVE written out in actual handwriting? Whose glasses are those? Why am I making that face? I didn't even listen to the song Love Lockdown? 

This might be my actual favorite. The facial expression, the eyeliner falling off of my face, the tank top just peaking out below my shirt and the spandex pulled just a little too long. The shrug, the suave "I'm better than you" look I'm giving off by my stance. It has all a photo needs. It's brilliant. It's art.

If you'd like to text me, I can send you 9 more pictures that look almost identical to this, but I'm not going to put them all here. Bottom line is we went to a Bloom Carroll basketball game (not a foreign concept, I've been going since I was a fetus and Leah has probably been to about 20), and we took a picture of everything we did, carefully including at least one pair of crazy socks in each one. God forbid the 3 people who liked us didn't know we were wearing crazy socks. 

Why? 

Earlier, in the bathing suit picture, I mentioned I may have just snuck up on her and snapped a shot? Well, I actually did that for these ones. Who are these people? I vaguely know who they are now, but I can say with complete certainty I hadn't talked to 3/4 of them when I snapped these pictures. I'm pretty sure they're all 2 years behind me, if anyone wants an idea of my social standings.

Who is this kid? More importantly, why is my hand up his shirt? I think it's actually my cousin.. But why is my hand up his shirt?

What was I writing? The world may never know. Was I wearing a shirt? Probably, but it's inconclusive. Where am I? The floor of my office, thanks for asking. Are you better than me? Yes.

So here we are. Let's get to business. The first thing to point out is that that is a dress. Yep. But why wear it for it's intended purpose? Psh, that seems silly. I know! I'll throw some spandex on and my skater vans and it will look great! Brilliant! But my hair looks ba--- oh well. Trust me, your cool outfit and rocking body will steak the spotlight.

Unrelated: the email account I made my Photobucket account off of was "edwardcullen.twilight22@gmail.com"

I am going to give props to myself for doing my hair and makeup for this pic, as it's been made clear that that wasn't exactly a priority of mine. The best part about this shot is the text. Not only it's weird placement, but the word itself. "Irrevocable". Unchangable. Unable to be altered. A nice thought, but I will have you know that a) I didn't know what the word meant, but it was used in Twilight so throw it on there! And b) it was probably in my best interest to be changed 

The final picture takes the cake for best everything. The angle? Classic. The nonchalant hand? Perfectly placed. The chucks RIGHT on the air vent's edge? Beautiful. The emphasis on my uncaring, "idgaf" facial expression? Priceless. But what sets it apart from the rest is the text. I'm nothing special, I say. Just another girl named Sara. Capitalization of every word because everything is equally important. Almost a tear inducing shot. A thing of beauty. •