20 Ways You Know You Went to/ Go To Big Walnut

1.) You've become a pro at staying in the middle of your walkway, because you know the second you slide over to the edge your entire shoulder is going to be torn to shreds by the walls. 

2.) You have grown used to random loud noises out of nowhere, due to the tri-monthly fire drills from shop accidents.

3.) You have considered yourself "rebellious" for wearing leggings to school. 

4.) You have to hesitate a second before addressing Mr. Felkey to avoid accidentally slipping and calling him "Flanders" or "Felk-dog".

5.) You've learned to embed yourself into a sea of people at school dances so you don't get suspended for putting your hands on your knees.

6.) You've sustained some fairly serious injuries from aggressively pushing people around during drumline.

7.) "John Lankford" is no longer just a person, but a genre of dance.

8.) You know you can get sent home and receive a detention for your shoulders showing but a kid can take his shirt off and hump the floor to Miley Cyrus in front of the entire school and receive no punishment.

9.) The words "Fulford" and "aliens" go hand in hand, no questions asked.

10.) You have a crush on someone with the last name of Ruark, either the teacher or the councelor depending on your gender and sexual orientation.

11.)  You can pretend all you want, if you didn't go to Souders you kind of wish you did. (Maybe a little biased, but no.)

12.) The epitome of your road rage happens within the parking lot of the high school.

13.) You could need a personal sized fan to prevent you from sweating through your shirt and a snowsuit to prevent frostbite in the same day depending on where you're at in the school.

14.) If the basement doesn't smell like formaldehyde, it smells bad in an entirely different way that you can't even place.

15.) You have wondered on more than one occasion if it's even sanitary to drink the water from the drinking fountain.

16.) The science lab in the basement, aka the smallest computer lab in the world, was one of the most dreaded places for your class to travel.

17.) You move more stealthily past the teacher on lunch line duty to exceed the 5 person limit than you would had you just robbed a bank.

18.) You have used every piece of furniture (booth, chair, couch) in the library as a bed at some point or another.

19.) It doesn't matter if your football team wins or loses every game, you'll still paint your entire body and cheer like hell.

20.) No matter how much you complain about it, you wouldn't have rather recieved your diploma from any other place. 

life story, i guess

So here you are again, crying on your floor to Taylor Swift and dumping sprinkles into your mouth after eating a bite of ice cream to achieve the perfect ratio. Here you are again, wondering what went so horribly wrong that you're sad and alone again. Here you are again, trying to convince yourself to pull yourself up just once more.

This time was different. He didn't just leave you or hurt you, he pretended you didn't exist. Like the last 4 months meant nothing. Like, because he was caught in a lie, the best way to salvage himself was to pretend like you were nothing. We were nothing. 

So my question is, how many people need to be involved for it to be a memory? Because I remember the way my insides lit up like the fourth of July when you complimented my mind, telling me I was brilliant. I remember the look on your face when you couldn't help yourself but to kiss me goodbye that Thursday night. I remember you telling me you wanted me, that we could be together, that I mattered. I remember pulling into my driveway at 1:42, twelve minutes late, and not caring about the trouble I could get into because I finally got to hold your face and kiss you. I remember you remembering that I put the pizza in the oven while it preheats. I remember pulling away 10 times before we finally stopped kissing each other. I remember you telling me that your mom asks who is making you smile so much when you're texting me. I remember being mad, telling you to make it easy on me and tell me I never mattered to you and you saying "I can't because that isn't true". I guess I got what I wished for. I never mattered to you.

But if those memories are only alive inside of me, are they there? That's what I need to know. Do you feel good about yourself, knowing you've thrown me aside because I was no longer convenient to you? Do you sleep soundly knowing that I'm tossing and turning, wondering if you're tossing and turning and wondering about me? Did I wear off?

I don't think I did. I think you can attempt to wash me off of you, I think you can attempt to rid yourself of me, but I still think you'll think of me. I think you don't want to, and I think you think if you push me far enough away (maybe that's why you blocked me on Instagram), you'll forget what we had. The chemistry we both admittedly felt. And that will make you feel more like a decent human being. Someone who doesn't set fires and then walk away as they burn. 

The memories are alive inside of me. No one has to believe them. No one has to vouch for you standing next to me during the fireworks, together beneath a sky on fire. No one else has to remember the feeling of finally kissing in a grocery store parking lot. No one has to understand the happiness I felt when everyone around that bonfire was trying to get you to be with me, and you saying you didn't know why you weren't. I suppose I can remember for the both of us. I'll continue to scroll through our conversations, starting 21 weeks ago when I told you to read Crime and Punishment and ending a couple of days ago when I was no longer crucial to your happiness. When I was no longer a convenience to you. I'll continue to wonder what I did wrong. 

But I need to remember, I did nothing wrong. I fell for a person who not only wasn't ready to catch me, but who was prepared to throw me off a cliff. And now, I have to remember to get back up. And remembering you will help me. I will remember the way my face lit up when you'd say something sweet to me. I will remember my heart skipping a beat and a half when you kissed me. I will remember the feeling of feeling wanted. And I will remind myself that if I stay here, shattered on the ground where you left me, I'll never find that with someone who deserves me. Who will make me light up but never let me fade out. Someone who will make my heart skip beats forever. Someone who will want me. Someone who will give me the most unadulterated happiness in the world, and make me the best and brightest version of myself. 

So I'll listen to crappy music and cry while I eat my body weight in snack foods, but not for long. I will pull myself up, and thank you for making me strong. For making me realize, yet again, I can overcome. I am better than what I've been given. And I will think about you and that will give me the strength to push forward. And I know that when it's 3am and you're all alone, you'll roll over and wish you could talk to me again. 

You Are Not Guaranteed

Tell people how you feel. Don't rely on them to make the first move. Tell the people you think are beautiful that you think they are beautiful. Ask that person that you've been wanting to get to know for a long time if they'd like to hang out. Kiss someone you've been wanting to kiss. We are temporary and so is everyone else around us. We can't keep putting things off because people leave and die and move on. Circumstances change, things get flipped upside down in the blink of an eye. Nothing is guaranteed.

Rejection is scary, and universally one of the biggest fears people have. Because what if that guy doesn't like you back? What if you tell that girl you think she's pretty and she laughs in your face? What if you ask her out and she says no? It is scary to put yourself out there, and the words "I like you" or "you're beautiful" can seem downright impossible to say. But say them anyway. Because you never know who needs to hear them.

But, something worse than rejection, is regret. Because what if he does like you back? What if you have been on unofficial terms for weeks and you're tired of wasting your time waiting so you finally say "hey, I'm into you" and he says "hey, I'm into you back"? What if you tell that girl you think she's pretty and she gives you her number and you get to know each other? What if it goes right? Regret is what happens when you don't even give yourself the chance to be rejected. You can't live in fear of things going wrong, but in the hopes of things going right. Life's too damn short to close yourself off of possibilities just because you might fail. Because you will fail. But if you don't give yourself a chance to fail, you also close yourself off of the possibility to succeed.

Tell her she's beautiful. Ask him to hang out. Apply for a job that you probably won't get. Learn from your mistakes. Tell someone that you want to hold their body against yours and kiss them until everything feels better. Tell someone that they're a beautiful human being and you're lucky to have the chance to know them. Live life without thinking of tomorrow, because tomorrow might never come. Stop with the ambiguity because we aren't permanent and we are not guaranteed. If you want to hang out with him, tweet him, text him, DM him and ask him to hang out. If you want to kiss her, grab her by the waist and do it. If you're lucky or happy or blessed to have someone in your life, make sure they know it. Because they won't be there forever.

Be risky. Put yourself out there. Respond to a text the second you receive it. Let the people you appreciate know you appreciate them. If you don't want to do something, don't do it.  If you'd rather sit at home with your family and play board games instead of going to that party, do it. Stop feeling obligated to do things. Take cool pictures. Explore neat places. Kiss the guy or the girl that you want to kiss. Be the person you want to be without any reservations. Fall in love with yourself. Be the kind of person you want others to be inspired by. Inspire yourself. We are wonderful. We are strong. We are experiencing the amazing gift of human consciousness. Someone not liking us back will not ruin us. The only person who can ruin you is you. Don't.