1.) Walking the wrong way in the hallway/stairwell.
Listen, I'm not saying we should install traffic signs and lights and hire police officers to patrol the hallways, but I am saying it would probably be beneficial. The hallway is split down the middle. There's an invisible line that, you would think at this point, everyone would aware of but apparently they aren't and it needs to be addressed. If you are walking one direction, walk on the half of the hallway where the other people walking that direction are going. Follow the flow of traffic. On the stairs, DO NOT TRY TO GO UP IN A SEA OF PEOPLE GOING DOWN. It's honestly not that difficult. Y'all need some damn moving violation tickets so you'll learn how to carry yourself down the hallway because next time I'm walking on the left side with other people traveling in the same direction as me and someone plows through opposing my force, I'm gonna ticket your sorry ass with my foot. Lastly, if you're on the right side of the hallway and you need to get to a classroom on the left, do not bolt through a pack of 37 people. Wait until there's a gap in traffic and then go. If you're holding up traffic on the other side, move over a little bit. Stand there with your hypothetical blinker on, do a hand signal if necessary, and wait to make your turn. You wouldn't just plow your car through a line of traffic, have the same courtesy for your peers.
2.) Constant contact with your significant other.
I'm not talking about making out and inappropriate touching, although rest assured I will. But I'm talking about cradling each other on the stairs landing, or holding hands so no one can get around you. I promise, the 4 minutes you spend blocking traffic with your lover aren't strengthening your relationship. I have a hard enough time getting around ONE person, let alone two that are attached at the hip. I'm done with your crap, couples. I'm not bitter because I don't have someone's body to cradle in the hallway, I'm bitter because I have to take into consideration the traffic blocking couples when determining my route to class. Your connection will not, well, should not falter if you aren't physically touching each other for 4 minutes. I'm sure you missed your man during the gut wrenching hour you spent apart, but please, let go of each other and walk to class like two civilized human beings.
3. It's negative 3 degrees out, please put some clothes on.
Guys aren't turned on by your butt cheeks hanging out of your skirt. They're probably concerned for your health and safety. It is below 0 degrees, ladies. Want to wear a skirt or dress? Let me introduce you to my friend tights! You are physically hurting me when I am walking into school bundled into 17 jackets and your entire anatomy is exposed to the air. Maybe you think you look sexy. Ya know what's not sexy? Exposure to hypothermia. Frostbite. Your sexy legs won't look so sexy detached from your body. My hands got about 4 seconds of air exposure whilst walking into school and I truly felt like death was desirable compared to it. How are you walking into school with 3/4ths of your body uncovered? Do you have a mother? Until this, the coldest winter we have ever had, ceases it's freezing wrath, I'm going to need you to put a weather appropriate outfit and if you're not okay with that just stay home. I'm cold just looking at you.
4) Other outfit concerns
I would say, for the most part, our student body does an okay job of dressing themselves. I'm not the fashion police, nor am I the epitome of great outfit choice. That said, I at least look like I'm prepared to head into public, kind of. Honestly, what is the point of pajama pants? Are sweatpants, the EXACT same thing as pajama pants, just not cutting it for you? I'm the first person to admit I've come to school looking like a just rolled out of bed, but are you actually just rolling out of your bed and leaving? Leggings shouldn't be banned, pajama pants should. Also, there are some people who need all of the points on their dressing license deducted for multiple offenses. Some people literally look like they blindfolded themselves and just dove into their closet, picked 4 articles of clothing and threw them on without looking. Do you guys own mirrors? I understand clothing is about self expression but what you're saying about yourself is "I'm an idiot". I know school sucks, but don't be dressed like you just played dress up at a 4th grade birthday party. And don't dress like you're a hooker. If you have a nice ass, show it off in ya yoga pants, girl. Work it. Big boobs? Drop a little cleavage. Nice legs? Wear a dress or skirt, weather permitting. Nice stomach? Tight shirt. But don't put all of that together. And don't extend the limits. You're getting an education, not laid.
5) Walking speed to class.
There's two extremes here. The first is incredulously slow walking. Pick up the pace, people. 4 minutes is a fine amount of travel time without you guys. You're like getting stuck behind a farming implement on the street. Be it because you're sexing your boyfriend, pulling up your sagging pants or just because you feel like taking your time, but it needs to stop. I'm done passing people. The school does not have dotted yellow lines, it's a no passing zone. It's dangerous to go around, but I would rather risk getting plowed by opposing traffic than moseying around behind your slow ass. On the opposite side of the spectrum, SLOW DOWN! What is the hurry? At the very most, you're saving yourself 30 seconds of time. Are you that excited to be the first to your class? You are putting you and others in danger by taking a full sprint to class, blasting through everything and everyone in your path. I'm enjoying an average and enjoyable trek to class, but lo and behold Usain Bolt comes plowing through like a bat out of hell with all of his belongings and determination directed right toward you. I shouldn't fear for my safety at school, but there is nothing like the fear of a sprinting maniac coming at you full force so he or she can get to class 14 seconds earlier. This needs to end.
6) Parking Lot Etiquette
Please slow down, guys. I mean seriously. People are walking, pulling out, and it's icy. I understand you're eager to get home or in a hurry to get to work, but you are losing less than a minute of your time by slowing down and driving safely. Also, turn your music down. If I want to listen to your music, I'll download it onto my own phone to listen to it in MY car. I don't need to see your car about to erupt because the bass is dropping at ungodly volumes, and I truly fear for the future of your eardrums, seeing as I can't hear the music in my own car over yours. I'm sure you love your music and want to share your insightful musical taste with the rest of your class, but don't. Turn it down. Lastly, WHAT IS WITH PEOPLE THINKING ITS OKAY TO JUST STOP? (I understand sometimes your jackass friends think it's funny to stand in front of your car and hold you up. HA ha, now everyone BEHIND your friend is pissed and late to their destination because you have a terrible sense of humor.) But why are you stopping an entire flow of traffic to have a conversation with a friend? Text them! Not while driving, please. But the 47 cars behind you probably aren't too keen on being late to work, or having to sit and wait for you and your friend to plan tomorrow's festivities. Once you're out of your spot, go. Don't stop for anything except other cars and stop signs. I'm done.
7) Screaming in the hallways.
Oh my God, hey girl! Hey! Omg you look so good today, like so good I want to SLAP YOU IN THE FACE! Why are you screaming? Your volume is fifty shades of unnecessary. I cannot wrap my head around why you need to pull all of your bodily forces together to make a screeching yell to address your friend. Does she not have a phone? Does she have a restraining order on you that doesn't permit you to move within 10 feet of her? In that case, ya probably shouldn't be yelling at her. But you really need to keep it down. Being deaf because freshman girls need to salute their friend every time they lay eyes on each other seems less than desirable. Text them. Talk to them when you're not a mile away from each other. I don't want your screams anymore.
8) Taking up bathroom mirror space
I understand sometimes you hair doesn't look the way it did in the morning when you're balls deep in the school day. I know you laughed so hard you cried and your mascara smeared. But I will buy all of you hand held mirrors before I walk into 40 people in the bathroom fixing themselves when I'm just trying to pee. Your friend can't wipe off the smeared mascara for you? You can't grab your phone and check the way your hair looks? Use whatever means necessary, but I'm trying to wash and dry my hands and I have to maze my way through the VS Fashion Show dressing room to grab a paper towel. Next time, I'm drying my hands in your hair and you can't stop me. The bathroom is for going to the bathroom. It isn't beauty school. If no one is in the bathroom and you want to check your hair, or check yourself out in a full body mirror, go for it. No shame in your game, girl. But as soon as you are interrupting the bathroom's intended purpose so you can reapply some eyeliner, I'm done. You're going to get kicked out. The piece of hair that fell out of your ponytail can wait. I shouldn't feel like I'm at a general admission's concert and the mirror is the main act when I enter the bathroom. I should be able to walk in, do my thing, wash and dry my hands and leave without bumping into 13 girls fixing their makeup. Heaven forbid your makeup doesn't look flawless, but I'm on a mission and I'm not going to let a pack of narcissists and their messed up hair slow me down.
9)Thinking people are jealous of us
I have nary been in an argument with another girl who didn't accuse me, at some point, of being jealous of her. Apparently, the only reason high school people don't like each other is because of jealousy. To be honest, isn't that kind of elitist of you? Maybe they have a good point, but you aren't willing to look at the aspects of yourself that could use work and you chalk up people's dislike of you because you're just better than them. I speak for myself here, but I don't think I've ever started an argument with someone because I was jealous of them. Annoyed, maybe, but not jealous. If I don't like you, I can absolutely PROMISE you that it isn't because I want to be you. I don't understand when this started, but it needs to stop. I've done it too. We all do. But when someone says "you're annoying" and the other person says "you're just jealous", it's like.... no, you're actually just annoying. Insults generally don't translate into jealousy. I didn't say your relationship is obnoxious because I am jealous that you're in a relationship. I said your relationship was obnoxious because your relationship is legitimately obnoxious. Jealousy is a go to because it makes us feel better, but like, stop. Take into consideration other people's insults. You better yourself from criticism. Not from chalking up animosity to jealousy.
10) Inappropriate touching/kissing
I would choose to see most ANYTHING over watching people make out. If I can literally see your tongues invading each other's mouth, that's enough. WHY are you doing that during school? You look like you're making an, albeit, poorly funded porn and you're doing it in public! How do you feel comfortable doing that in front of your teachers? I don't need to see this. I've come to get a solid education, not a sexual education. I can't see why you find it necessary to play an aggressive game of tonsil hockey betwixt classes. SEVEN HOURS! That's how long you have to go without making out! I don't care what you do once you've left school, but please, let's aim to make the hallways a porn free zone. I already dread coming to school, and seeing you sucking face in the hallway doesn't make it any better. Also, touching has become something of a problem. Look, I don't know what it is about a math equation that makes you wanna fondle your boyfriend's ballsack during class, but if you could refrain from doing so, it would go beyond greatly appreciated. Stop hovering your hand around her V-palace, stop groping his inner thigh. I truly believe you are able to go an hour without intimate contact with one another, and if you can't, let your sex addicts anonymous group witness it and not your poor high school peers. I don't know why this is even an issue but get your ratchet hands off each other's genitals and learn a thing or too, ya nasties. I didn't come to school to watch you run the bases with your significant other. Your educational facility isn't the place to grope each other. I don't have a problem with you groping each other, I just don't want to see it. And rest assured, no one else wants to see it.
