life story, i guess

So here you are again, crying on your floor to Taylor Swift and dumping sprinkles into your mouth after eating a bite of ice cream to achieve the perfect ratio. Here you are again, wondering what went so horribly wrong that you're sad and alone again. Here you are again, trying to convince yourself to pull yourself up just once more.

This time was different. He didn't just leave you or hurt you, he pretended you didn't exist. Like the last 4 months meant nothing. Like, because he was caught in a lie, the best way to salvage himself was to pretend like you were nothing. We were nothing. 

So my question is, how many people need to be involved for it to be a memory? Because I remember the way my insides lit up like the fourth of July when you complimented my mind, telling me I was brilliant. I remember the look on your face when you couldn't help yourself but to kiss me goodbye that Thursday night. I remember you telling me you wanted me, that we could be together, that I mattered. I remember pulling into my driveway at 1:42, twelve minutes late, and not caring about the trouble I could get into because I finally got to hold your face and kiss you. I remember you remembering that I put the pizza in the oven while it preheats. I remember pulling away 10 times before we finally stopped kissing each other. I remember you telling me that your mom asks who is making you smile so much when you're texting me. I remember being mad, telling you to make it easy on me and tell me I never mattered to you and you saying "I can't because that isn't true". I guess I got what I wished for. I never mattered to you.

But if those memories are only alive inside of me, are they there? That's what I need to know. Do you feel good about yourself, knowing you've thrown me aside because I was no longer convenient to you? Do you sleep soundly knowing that I'm tossing and turning, wondering if you're tossing and turning and wondering about me? Did I wear off?

I don't think I did. I think you can attempt to wash me off of you, I think you can attempt to rid yourself of me, but I still think you'll think of me. I think you don't want to, and I think you think if you push me far enough away (maybe that's why you blocked me on Instagram), you'll forget what we had. The chemistry we both admittedly felt. And that will make you feel more like a decent human being. Someone who doesn't set fires and then walk away as they burn. 

The memories are alive inside of me. No one has to believe them. No one has to vouch for you standing next to me during the fireworks, together beneath a sky on fire. No one else has to remember the feeling of finally kissing in a grocery store parking lot. No one has to understand the happiness I felt when everyone around that bonfire was trying to get you to be with me, and you saying you didn't know why you weren't. I suppose I can remember for the both of us. I'll continue to scroll through our conversations, starting 21 weeks ago when I told you to read Crime and Punishment and ending a couple of days ago when I was no longer crucial to your happiness. When I was no longer a convenience to you. I'll continue to wonder what I did wrong. 

But I need to remember, I did nothing wrong. I fell for a person who not only wasn't ready to catch me, but who was prepared to throw me off a cliff. And now, I have to remember to get back up. And remembering you will help me. I will remember the way my face lit up when you'd say something sweet to me. I will remember my heart skipping a beat and a half when you kissed me. I will remember the feeling of feeling wanted. And I will remind myself that if I stay here, shattered on the ground where you left me, I'll never find that with someone who deserves me. Who will make me light up but never let me fade out. Someone who will make my heart skip beats forever. Someone who will want me. Someone who will give me the most unadulterated happiness in the world, and make me the best and brightest version of myself. 

So I'll listen to crappy music and cry while I eat my body weight in snack foods, but not for long. I will pull myself up, and thank you for making me strong. For making me realize, yet again, I can overcome. I am better than what I've been given. And I will think about you and that will give me the strength to push forward. And I know that when it's 3am and you're all alone, you'll roll over and wish you could talk to me again.